I Believe Avoidants Can Heal (And Here's Why That's Hard To Say Out Loud)
I want to say something that is rarely seen on the internet these days. I genuinely believe that people who are dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant can heal and learn how to have a secure and healthy relationship.
And I know that might be hard to hear if you have been hurt by one. Avoidants are pretty much hated everywhere you look online right now, and honestly, I get it. The pain of loving someone avoidant can be devastating in a way that is hard to explain unless you have lived it.
But I want to challenge this. And hopefully reach not only the people who have been hurt by an avoidant, but the avoidants themselves.
If you would rather hear me talk through this and share more of my personal experience, you can watch the video below.
If you prefer to read, I break everything down for you below.
My Own Healing
I have personally been healing my own fearful avoidant attachment style. I did not know much about attachment styles until a couple of years ago when I started dating my last boyfriend. I used to joke that I could always tell when I really liked someone because I would start acting weird, and looking back now I realize it was my anxiety flaring up. I definitely lean more fearful avoidant, but depending on the dynamic I noticed I would lean more avoidant in relationships with someone anxious or even with another fearful avoidant.
What Happened When I Said This Out Loud
The other day I commented on a video about dismissive avoidants and shared that I was healing my fearful avoidant attachment and genuinely believe avoidant people can heal. I briefly mentioned the painful reverse discard I experienced, and a random man responded with, "You should never date again."
Honestly, now it makes me laugh. But when I first read it, it got me all riled up. And weirdly enough, I am grateful it did, because it showed me I still have more healing to do.
My immediate reaction was to delete my comment and avoid the situation altogether. I also noticed anxiety around the fact that this is the work I do professionally and fear about how something like that might make me look publicly. After a couple of days of reflecting I realized I still had deeper work to do, and I found myself wishing I had responded from a more secure place.
Because the truth is, that person was likely speaking from their own core wounds. My guess is they had been deeply hurt by an avoidant and something about my comment touched that pain.
And that is exactly what I want to talk about today.
What We Get Wrong About Avoidants
Many avoidants genuinely do not know what they do not know. They may not understand their patterns or why intimacy feels unsafe. They are acting from trauma and subconscious programming formed in early childhood.
That is not an excuse. It is context.
And when we constantly shame, name call, or villainize avoidants online, we are often reinforcing the exact core wounds many of them already carry. Defectiveness. Shame. Not being good enough. Fear that closeness is not safe.
That does not excuse harmful behavior. Healing is still their responsibility. Boundaries are still necessary. And if someone is unwilling to acknowledge their wounds or do the work, you absolutely need to choose yourself and walk away.
But empathy does not mean tolerating unhealthy behavior. Empathy with boundaries is the goal.
If You Are In A Relationship With An Avoidant
If you are currently in a relationship with an avoidant person, here is what actually helps:
Strong boundaries that you hold consistently
Nervous system regulation so you are not constantly activated
Clarity around what you will and will not accept
Willingness to walk away if they are unwilling to do their own work
You cannot heal someone else's attachment wounds for them. But you can stop reinforcing them, and you can stop letting the relationship cost you your own sense of worth.
A Gentle Challenge
The next time you feel the need to spew hatred toward an avoidant, pause and ask yourself how this behavior makes you any different. Name calling, wishing bad things on someone, tearing people apart online. Those reactions may be signs that there is still pain inside you that deserves healing too.
Because if you are truly secure, you know this: someone else's inability to love you well has never been a reflection of your worth.
That pain is real. And it deserves real healing, not just an outlet.
If you want to know what your attachment style is, check out my free quiz.
If you are ready to heal your attachment patterns and move forward, schedule a free consultation.
My I Am Enough sleep meditation is now on YouTube. [Listen here.]
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