Why We Chase and Why We Pull Away
There is a dynamic that so many people find themselves in at some point in their relationships. One person pulls away, and the other tries to get closer. The more one creates distance, the more the other feels the need to hold on.
If you would rather hear me talk through this and share more of my personal experience, you can watch the video below.
If you prefer to read, I break everything down for you below.
It can feel intense, confusing, and even a little addictive. And often, it gets mistaken for chemistry or a deep emotional connection.
But what is actually happening here has much less to do with love and much more to do with attachment and core wounds.
When we look at this pattern more closely, the roles tend to fall into what people often call the runner and the chaser. The chaser is usually the one who overthinks, reaches out more, tries to fix things, and feels activated when there is distance. The runner is usually the one who pulls back, needs space, feels overwhelmed by emotional intensity, and may shut down or disconnect.
This dynamic often aligns with attachment patterns. The chaser tends to lean more anxious, or fearful avoidant with anxious tendencies. The runner tends to lean more avoidant, or fearful avoidant with avoidant tendencies.
So you have one nervous system that feels safer moving closer, and another that feels safer creating space.
Neither of these responses are wrong. They are learned patterns. They are adaptations that were formed in earlier relationships where closeness may not have felt fully safe or consistent.
But here is the deeper truth that most people are not talking about.
Both the runner and the chaser are trying to avoid pain.
They are just doing it in opposite ways.
The chaser moves toward connection to avoid feelings like abandonment, rejection, or not being enough.
The runner moves away from connection to avoid feeling overwhelmed, losing themselves, or not being able to meet expectations.
Even though the behaviors look very different, the root is the same. A nervous system trying to stay safe.
This is why the dynamic can feel so strong. It is not just attraction. It is two people’s wounds interacting with each other in a way that keeps the cycle going. The more one person chases, the more the other feels the need to create space. The more one pulls away, the more the other feels the urge to hold on.
It becomes a loop that reinforces itself.
This is also why it is not helpful to reduce it to something like “if they wanted to, they would.” People do not just act from desire. They act from their capacity, their nervous system, and their patterns.
Real healing is not about chasing harder or forcing yourself to detach. It is about building internal safety. It is about learning how to regulate your nervous system and slowly shifting out of these patterns.
As you become more secure, you will notice that you no longer feel pulled into either role. You are not chasing for closeness, and you are not running from it either.
You are choosing from a place of stability instead of fear.
If you recognize yourself in either role, there is nothing wrong with you. You learned a pattern that made sense at the time. And patterns can change.
If you want to know what your attachment style is, check out my free quiz.
If you are ready to heal your attachment patterns and move forward, schedule a free consultation.
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